Are Perfectionists Bad Mothers?

As a homeschooling mom, I spend the best part of everyday with my children. They witness and learn from my character and actions every day. But there is one problem, I am a perfectionist. What effect will this have on my children?

I have spent much time reading and reflecting on perfectionism and parenting, and wanted to answer the question: Are Perfectionists Bad Mothers?

The short answer to this question is: Yes, they can be bad mothers IF they don’t do something to control it.

Of course being a perfectionist has its positive points. The house is usually presentable, there is home-cooked food for every meal, the children are dressed well; but underlying this outward image is an inner struggle and discontentment with every action and every effort.

I come from a long line of perfectionists and no doubt at least one of my children will follow me in this.

New studies have shown that perfectionism is primarily a genetic trait, and the parenting and the environment a child is exposed to only play a secondary role. This means that perfectionist parents not only have to deal with their own drive for perfection, but also their children’s too!

If a perfectionist mother has such high expectations on herself, then it only follows that she too will have high expectations for her children. If she cannot tolerate her own imperfections, she will not tolerate them in her child. This inevitably leads to the child feeling that her parents are constantly dissatisfied with her, and feeling inadequate.

Perfectionist parents often confuse their own sense of self-worth with their child’s, feeling that if the child looks good, then I look good. However when the child does not behave as the mother feels is acceptable, then the mother takes that personally as it reflects badly on her.

This internal pressure can often be triggered by competition; competition with family, friend’s children, school friends or even the children of complete strangers. This obsession with looking ‘perfect’ in front of others is at the detriment of the child’s confidence. 

Children learn from the way we behave and can see when mom is trying extra hard to impress. Despite what we say, they see the way we behave and act first.

But of course, no one can be perfect. Not mom and not her child. That child’s inability to live up to expectations, will cause her a long-term sense of failure, a lowered self-esteem, which may in turn result in resentment and anger towards her mom.

Perfectionism can block communication between a mother and her child. The child knows that she has to fine, so she pretends to be ok, even when there are problems. She knows that admitting any problem will affect her mom negatively, so she stays quiet.

Perfectionists spend so much time worrying; time that could be time spent playing with their children, getting to know them and teaching them life-long lessons.

These moms will often focus on that child’s ‘status’ or ‘achievements’ and no longer put emphasis on values like kindness, honesty, diligence. Surely it is more important as parents to equip our children with good character than with good grades.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

"The most beloved of Allah’s servants to Allah are those with the best manners." (Al-Bukhari)

Perfectionists have an increased risk of clinical depression, eating disorders, suicide, and are more resistant to treatment as they don’t want look as though they’ve failed.

So to all my fellow perfectionist parents out there….

• Remove the worry from your heart and find the love.
• Connect with your children
• Feel happiness to be with them
• Be grateful for your children
• Don’t compare yourself to others
• Have fun with them and relax
• Let your children be who they are
• Let go of expectations
• Relinquish the power that you feel you have and remember Allah.

Only He can change your state and only He can ‘fix’ that which you worry about. 

Instead of filling your mind with stress and discontentment, focus on filling your heart with gratitude and submission to the Will of the Divine.

You will never find perfection in this world. Perfection is with God.

For truly, it is in the Remembrance of God that the heart finds Peace. Quran (13:28)

Please remember us in your duaas.

Peace and Love.

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